On Monday my mom, dad and husband will be walking me into a hospital.

The last time this happened, was November 27th, 2007, the day I had brain surgery.

I’m glad my family is coming for the cisternogram, I’m glad for the support, but I cannot deny that the situation scares the shit out of me. It reminds me of the surgery I had, of the days of pain and fear and endless retching that followed. It reminds me of feeling completely helpless.

And, more than anything else, it reminds me that there’s an excellent chance that I’ll be facing a similar surgery soon.

I can’t hardly wrap my mind around it. I don’t want to have another brain surgery.

And yet, at the same time, I’m so afraid that this test will show absolutely nothing. That after 16 weeks of headaches, we’ll be completely without ideas, solutions or help.

It’s hard to straddle this line. This line of wanting something fixable to be wrong, but being completely terrified at how we’ll have to fix it. It just feels like an entirely no-win situation. And as much as I want to run for my life and get away from it, days keep passing, time keeps moving and the appointment keeps getting closer and closer.

I’m scared. Of what this test might show. I’m scared of what this test might not show.

And most of all, I’m afraid of what comes next.

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For the latest on Anissa, check here. She is fighting like we knew she would and now we have to wait and see. I think that Anissa would probably appreciate how many people have had a glass of wine or a tranquilizer in her honor (because, dude, we’re trying to cope). There’s also a button on the right where you can donate and help Anissa’s family with the costs of her care. And most importantly, don’t stop praying. She needs us now as much as ever.

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