Countdown
After days of phone tag with nuclear medicine, I finally got a call and got the cisternogram scheduled.
When the nurse gave me the information, I flipped open my iCal, plugged in the information about my appointment and realized, with a mix of happiness (over finally having it scheduled) and horror (over the timing), that the appointment was for Monday morning.
I started panicking. I have a make up test scheduled Thursday that I really want to get out of the way and I’m finally starting to get on top of my work. I was more than a little bummed. Add to that that my husband has work and my mom would have to do a lot work rescheduling to come, and that little panic turned into a tornado of concern. And I felt like I just didn’t have enough time to process or prepare. I had to contact teachers, I had to rearrange so much, and quickly to boot.
So then when I went back to iCal to check my next exam date, something about what I’d recorded about the cisternogram seemed wrong. And then it clicked. I had opened iCal and flipped ahead, not to next week, but to the week after that. Because I’m an idiot. So the test isn’t actually until the 23rd. Which is not in 3 days. It’s in 10.
Which is nice, because now I don’t have to push back this anatomy test another day.
BUT, it’s 7 extra days to worry. It’s now the week of Thanksgiving, which I’m supposed to spend with my in-laws, who do not deal well with my health issues (I’m refraining from commenting more here, because I’m trying to draw a line. Understand how painful this show of restraint is). And if I do have a leak from the lumbar puncture this time (which, the research says is HIGHLY likely since I had one last time), I’ll have to go to an emergency room to get it fixed or wait until the following Monday because of the holiday. And, probably what worries me the most is that my family is celebrating the day after Thanksgiving, which will be an issue if I can’t be upright because two hours in the car will be excruciating.
I’m trying to be thankful to finally have this test scheduled and be one step closer to some answers, but there are just a lot of things I’m concerned about.
And, on top of that, I’m back into this place of limbo that I hate SO much.
Because on the one hand, it’s absolutely fucking crazy to want something to be wrong with you. Seriously. That is the stuff of crazy people, and I know that.
But on the other hand, I’ve had a headache for almost 15 weeks. I just want my head to not hurt and if that means wishing for something to be wrong, something that we can fix, then that’s where my hope lies.
Yes, it’s crazy, but the idea of going through this trouble, having these tests, and going back to square one with nothing wrong is mentally devastating.
So for now I sit in limbo. With worry and m&ms. With pain and fear. With the tiniest bit of hope, that is rapidly dwindling.
7 Responses to “Countdown”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
I’m hoping for you!
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Coconut M & M’s I hope? Are they helping?
Whatever it takes to get you through this, I’m there.
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Thanksgiving should be on your terms this year: 1. Participation is at your discretion, no questions asked; 2. If you think having family around will benefit you, have them over to your home, as long as they bring T’giving dinner and plan to clean up afterwards; 3. If the in-laws don’t understand your illness, perhaps you should not plan on spending time with them this holiday. Seriously, are you supposed to prop yourself up and pretend nothing is wrong, or minimize your health crisis to keep “the family happy?” You need full frontal unconditional love right now.
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Joy Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Right on, Jan!
I think “now” is the time to set your limits and boundaries with your inlaws. (And the rest of the world, too.) You must take care of yourself in order to function, and sometimes that means putting yourself first. (The same holds true when the kids start arriving, however and whenever they arrive. Strong boundaries now are easier to maintain later! ;p)
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Jan, I like your style! You are so right-on. I don’t know if Katie will give herself permission to put herself first, though. We may need to prayerfully intercede with that.
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Jan is spot on with her suggestions!
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You aren’t hoping for something to be wrong with you. Something -is- wrong with you, or you wouldn’t be in this much pain. You are hoping for answers, hoping for something concrete to wrap your hands around and hold onto, hoping for something that someone can fix.
That is not crazy. At all.
My mom asked after you, said you were so sweet at the wedding and she was worried about you. We’re all praying for/thinking of you. Many hugs.
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