Uncertainty
I wish I could come up with a better way of telling you that today was a rough day. It seems like every day is a rough day lately, but today was a different kind.
In my morning class, we went over hand functionality. I don’t talk very much about it anymore, but shortly after my brain surgery, something went awry and I’ve lost strength and sensation in my ring and pinky finger of my left hand. I’ve learned to compensate for it in most ways. I still drop a lot of things. I still carry almost everything in my right hand. But mostly I don’t notice it.
Today it was on show for everyone to see. Today, my classmates saw how dramatic my troubles are. Today there was no hiding.
Today a classmate asked me if I thought that I could handle the career I’m training for. My staged answer has always been “of course.” I have always had confidence that I can overcome the pain in my head to focus. I have always had confidence that my hand weakness is negligible.
But this morning I was speechless.
The question wasn’t intended to be mean (and I didn’t take it as such. Truly). We’re studying musculoskeletal dysfunction, it’s the same question that we’ve been trained to ask patients. It’s a question that should have a black or white answer. But I didn’t have one.
Because I don’t know.
My head hurt on a ridiculous level today. My face has been tingling incessantly since yesterday morning. I am struggling to focus, even in writing this blog, even in things I want to do and even more when trying to learn new information.
So when faced with the question of whether or not I can handle my education and the profession I’ve chosen, I can’t give an answer. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to hear or acknowledge what that answer is. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to admit defeat.
The reason doesn’t change the answer.
I have been trying to find control again in my universe. I have been trying to find the answers. But they’re not there. I simply do not know if I can do this. I do not know if I should be doing this.
And it’s growing harder and harder each day to hide that uncertainty.
3 Responses to “Uncertainty”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
right now, “this” is what you think you want. Until you decide there is something else you want, this is where you are. I firmly believe that we learn what we want by weeding out the things we don’t want or finding clarity in doing the things we’re doing and seeing what’s missing.
One thing I know for sure: If not this, then something better.
You will cross whatever bridges there may be when you get there. Until then, here you are…and doing pretty well, I might add.
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After my brain surgery, I lost all movement in my left arm, and some sensation at my finger tips. I have since regained 95% of movement, and the loss of sensation was not measurable by the last OT who checked, but I have lost dexterity and the ability to do rapid movements, such as one would need to play piano. As I used to. While I do mourn that loss, I was more worried about daily life, and my career. Right after surgery, when I went back to work, I was teaching preschool, and freaking out because I kept dropping piles of paper, and couldn’t fasten a child’s car seat. I thought my career path, whatever it was, was doomed. But I kept trying. I’m still frustrated at what my hand can’t do.
As relates to my current career as a speech-language pathologist, I was also worried because I had some dysarthria (weakness in speech muscles), and speaking clearly is a definite requirement for an SLP. But I’m compensating, moving my way around it, and have found it makes me more compassionate, more understanding of those I try to help.
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You should focus on what you want today. Tomorrow isnt promised to any one of us, in any capacity. Do what you love, and the rest will fall into place.
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