The one where I try really hard to find the silver lining
Today was a rough day.
It began with a totally unimproved sore throat and a worse than normal headache with tingling all over the left side of my face. Next up was extra traffic that nearly caused me to be late for class. And that was time I desperately needed to use to study for my 10 am test.
And I was, as usual, totally stressed out. In the course of my 2 hour car ride I managed to talk myself into and out of quitting school about 30 times and finally managed to go back to my standard decision of making it through this semester (if possible) before making any rash decisions.
To my surprise, my morning class was awesome. Our guest lecturer was a hysterical older doctor (who said some awesomely crass things) and I literally did not stop laughing the entire hour and forty minutes. Before I knew it, it was test time.
So far this school year, each time I’ve been handed a test, or have come within hours or days of it, I have panicked to my core. I have not slept for days, I have been too nauseated to eat, I have freaked the hell out.
I did not freak out today.
The test was set before me and I thought to myself about what would happen if I failed.
And for the first time in my life, I realized that the answer was absolutely nothing. If I failed, life would go on. I’d figure it out. It simply wasn’t that big of a deal.
I am struggling, floundering, drowning. I feel it every moment of every day. I’m not getting used to it and I hope I never do.
But I am gaining perspective within my own life. If I failed today’s test (which I’m pretty sure I didn’t…), my life would move on. I’m realizing for the first time that there are many more significant things than this test grade, this class, this program. That I am more than this stupid test grade.
Maybe I’ll never be exactly who I was before this 13 week headache, before this emotional breakdown that I’m wading through.
But maybe I’ll be alright.
8 Responses to “The one where I try really hard to find the silver lining”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 27 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to falling over in public to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
believe it or not, your realization is EXACTLY what i’ve been trying to say to you for weeks. it WILL be ok. it may not look like you expected, but you will be just fine, you are more than a test score, a grad degree, a desired or expected outcome.
those are the lessons i learned from losing or throwing away labels, classifications, expectations, for a solid 7 years and consequently starting completely over (we’re talking no spouse, no boyfriend, nowhere to live, no job, no money) at least 4 times. sounds crazy, but i wouldn’t exchange the experiences for the world.
you will be absolutely fine no matter what happens. you are not your outward trappings.
not to be all wacky buddhist. but anyway.
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I’m glad you’ve reached this point. That’s the thing I keep asking myself when I look at situations. What’s the worst thing that happens if I try X or I do or don’t do Y. And when I realize that about 95% of the time (when it doesn’t involve feeding children and dogs), no one is going to die if I don’t succeed or whatever, it makes me feel strangely better.
Still have to remember to feed the dogs (though we’ve delegated the younger one to the boy child. He’s doing pretty well with that, mostly).
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I don’t know you at all, but I’ve gone through a tangentially similar Something, and there was a Tom Petty lyric that I always thought of when I was slogging through it all: “It never goes away/but it all works out.”
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I’ve been gone from the Land of Blog for a few days and just finish reading your last few posts. Katie – you are an amazing woman.
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Good for you Katie!! Your a freaking trooper. And without meaning to blow wind up your ass – a bit of inspiration too ;p
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I’m so relieved for you, that you’ve realized this. It took me a long time to realize it, but once I did I felt a huge weight lift off of me. You will be just fine, and I hope that things start to look up. *hugs*
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Hoorah for huge realizations! You go, girl!
Did the laughter help your head? Did you at least forget the pain at all?
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Uh oh. There it is again. Hope rears its ugly head. Again. Another epiphany telling you that failure isn’t about not winning….it’s about not trying.
And try you do so well, Ms Katie. You show up even when more of you is in intractable pain than the person actually showing up. Yet you still take that proverbial stab at succeeding.
And, to me, that’s where the success truly lies…in the showing up. It would be so much easier to give up.
Oh, how well I know that.
I believe in you. No matter what you DO, I believe in who you ARE. And I will keep believing in you until you absolutely believe in yourself.
I can hear it coming. Just around the corner. Maybe down the street. Next to that cake waiting to be eaten. But it’s there.
Thanks for you kind words on my CB page. You know better than most how hard it can be at times.
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