F is for Failure and maybe for freedom
I have a test tomorrow morning. A test for a class that I’ve only been to 3 times of the 7 times the class has been held. A class which I’ve condensed down into a study guide, 12 pages long, of information I HAVE to know. Most of which I don’t yet.
I am studying.
But I am tempted not to.
I’m tempted to fail.
Right now, I am miserable. I don’t like what I’m doing and I don’t know if it’s because I’m overwhelmed by the amount of work I still have to make up and the health crises that keep showing up at my door (oh, hello strep throat. You are NOT welcome here) or because I made a mistake and this isn’t what I really want to do with my life.
But I can’t quit yet. Because somehow, I’m passing all my classes. Some of them I’m passing with As. Some I’m passing with Bs. Some I’m passing with incompletes. But still, not failing a damn one.
I don’t have a legitimate reason to drop out of school because technically, I’m handling it. I’m not failing. I’m stressed. I’m sick. I’m in pain. But I’m freaking passing.
I don’t want to fail, don’t misunderstand me. But at the same time, I’m not sure I want to pass either.
All I really want is for the right answer to show itself. I want to know what I’m supposed to be doing now. I want to know what I’m supposed to do next.
Because I am lost.
Because I am failing…
just not in ways that will show up on a transcript.
6 Responses to “F is for Failure and maybe for freedom”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
I know this exact feeling – the desire to just fail and start over with a clean slate; to move on even though things aren’t as bad as they feel. I know this feeling and it’s tough and feels impossible. I know.
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That sucks…but…yay passing!!
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Someone once told me, “Just because you can do it, doesn’t mean you have to do it.”
Not sure if that means anything to you, but it pretty much changed the course of my life… and well, so far, that life is pretty okay.
Loving you through it.
T
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It’s amazing to me that you’re passing your classes – given the distractions you’re dealing with.
It seems, perhaps, you’re tougher than I thought. Certainly tougher than I am.
You may be confused right now – you may be hurting right now – but you are, right now – amazing.
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Failing is when you don’t live up to the standards that the world sets. Because if the standards were your and you loved yourself, you couldn’t fail. You could only change your mind or try again or find something new. All options would be considered a gift.
Looks like you’re living up to the standards the world has set pretty well. So if you feel as if you’re failing, it’s time to look at what you want and see if you’re failing yourself by not being flexible or true to your heart.
Certainly it is obvious even to you that you cannot fail us or anyone who loves you.
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Just saw your earlier tweet…
Trainwreck?
Let’s see, you face everyday with pain. You go to bed knowing it will be there when you wake up. You wake up knowing it will accompany you all day.
You have this pain and are a wife, are a sister, a friend, continue to go to school, worry about going to school, dealing with ongoing medical issues, worry about failing, expressing your fears in this here blog, dealing with daily life (strep throat, commuting, travels, weddings, etc…).
Unless you’ve got the Self-Loathing Dictionary For Overachievers Who Wouldn’t Even Be Happy With A 5.2 GPA version, then no you’ve completely missed the definition of trainwreck!!
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