Tears and Tribulations
After 3 hours of sleep, which was halted by indescribable head pain, an exam that I can only hope to have passed, and an afternoon of classes that served only to remind me how little I knew, I lost it.
The tears poured from my eyes like water from a faucet. Every time I regained my composure and found the steady rhythm of my breath, the sobs came back and the tears returned.
For 3 hours I fought a losing battle with my emotions.
For 3 hours my face was a riverbed of tears, my living room covered in tissues.
My mind, a mess.
I wish I could better describe what happened today, but I’m not ready yet, I don’t have the words yet.
I am broken. And it will take time to put me back together.
And until then, I lie here, cracked and teary eyed. Not knowing how to take the next step.
Not knowing if the next step should be taken at all.
12 Responses to “Tears and Tribulations”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 27 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to falling over in public to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
You know, I reckon sometimes you HAVE to have that happen. Its cathartic, you have to let some stuff out sometimes, there is not enough room for all that emotion inside. I hope that you sleep a peaceful sleep now, that you feel better soon, that your strength returns and the decisions are made with confidence. You’re doing it so hard, but you have a lot of people cheering you on, and caring. Draw on that if you can. Take care.
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Katie, I am so very sorry that everything is so hard for you right now! I’m rooting for you and am here to give you a virtual hug anytime you need it!!!! Take care of yourself sweetie!
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Just know I’m always here praying for you!
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I am so sorry for your pain and troublesome emotions. I’m praying for you to get through this and find your peace.
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I’m so sorry that you’re in this much pain. And I truly hope that the November appointment brings you answers and hope.
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Thinking of you.
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I know it’s a silly question, but can you just let go of all your obligations and spend a few days in a dark room? Doing nothing?
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Katie, I am so sorry. Is there any way at all to put school on hold for a while while you sort out your pain? I know it’s the last thing in the world you want to do, but surely the stress you are feeling is only making things worse/harder? I wish there was something that we all could do to help you.
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It does get old, doesn’t it? The pain, the relentless pain. The fear. Probably nausea, too, I imagine. It gets old. And then you get tired. And then the fatigue takes over your energy and you give in to your feelings of depression and despair. And then you cry a bucket of tears. And the tears confirm your worst fear…that you are losing it and that you are weak. And then they start again, the tears.
And the vicious circle of pain and emotion and tears continues, repeating over and over again.
Like you, I understand it. Unlike you, I rarely admit it. But I know. And I understand.
And right now you need to just let it be what it is, without self-recrimination or judgement. It may seem like the longest night of your life, a night that has lasted over twelve weeks now.
But, the sun will come out. And you will smile again. And your life will make sense again. And it will be yours again. And you will remember who you are.
Because you are more than this headache or these tears. You ARE the sun. And you WILL shine again.
I believe that with all my heart.
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So sorry. I feel for you and you need to take a break. Just rest. Just get off the treadmill and rest. REST.
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All right, missy. This is your Auntie Suebob grabbing your shoulders and sitting you down.
You are in a health crisis. Not a health concern, not a little sick, not suffering from a condition. A CRISIS.
Your one and only job is to do the things that will make you well. Not to pass classes, not to study, not to prove yourself. GET WELL. DO THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU THE MOST COMFORTABLE AND RELAXED YOU CAN BE, GIVEN ALL THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.
The world will still be there when you finish healing. But you need to heal. Your body is sending you a big message. Time to listen.
Take care of yourself. And make others take care of you, too. Hugs.
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*hugs*
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