Spiral
Remember when you were a child and you used to spin around and around until the whole world spun around? All the colors blurred, your eyes lost focus and when you stopped, you felt like you were still spinning. It felt like freedom.
Now it feels like being trapped. Now it feels like being out of sorts all the time.
That’s the way my life feels right now. Blurry. Out of focus and control. Dizzying.
I did not do well on my test today. I truly didn’t and I really don’t want to talk about it (don’t tell me I did fine, I didn’t, and I know it). I have another quiz tomorrow, a paper due Thursday, another paper due Monday and another exam next Thursday.
It feels impossible. I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I want to.
It feels like the world is spinning off without me.
It feels like I might not be able to find solid ground again.
It feels like I might fall.
And I’m afraid that I might want to.
9 Responses to “Spiral”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
grab my hand – we’ll spin off together
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Katie, I wish I had the magic words to tell you to make you feel better, but I don’t. I can tell you the same blanket statements over and over and even though I truly mean them, I know that they won’t help you. You are incredibly strong and I know that you can do all of this. I’m willing to listen if you need to vent about it all. Take it one step at a time. We are all behind you no matter what.
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I wish I could bring sunshine your way, but honestly, I don’t have any at my disposal at the moment, either.
What I do have is empathy. I’ll stand next to you as the world spins out of control.
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Would it be possible to maybe stop going to school for a while (a semester, a year, whatever YOU need) and go back later if that is what you are up for?
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Katie Reply:
October 5th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I know a lot of people have wondered about whether or not I can quit or defer, etc. And the short answer is no.
The long answer is, if I defer, or drop to half-time, I lose my health insurance and therefore this neurologist. I also will end up taking out even more money for loans, which we really need to avoid if possible. I also have no job to fall back on right now (teaching in California is an impossibility now), so we’d be hurting for money. Finally, deferring means I’ll have to do all this over again, but this time, a year older, pushing back a lot of life plans. A lot of them.
Finally, I’m too damn stubborn. I don’t want to let my head win.
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I never said you’d do fine–I just keep saying it will be fine in the end. What percentage is this one exam? Certainly not more than 50%? Graduate or professional school is hard as hell, but most all of us get through it and you will too.
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I had a comment ready – but then your comment just above mine caught my eye. Stubborn? Fine. Your schooling deserves your best effort – full focus. So does your health. Your current path does neither justice.
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Good luck today, Katie. I know life is tough but it’s so encouraging to see that you are trying your best despite all the odds.
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I can’t say with any certainty that I’m 100% against falling occasionally. Just sayin;.
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