Braveheart
I feel like a liar.
I write here every day, pretending like I’m brave.
I’m not.
I’m not brave.
Every single day I fight anxiety. I fight irrational fears that sometimes threaten to wash over me. Sometimes they do.
The lumbar puncture is a week from today. And I’ve written already about how scared I am. But the thing is, I know that it needs to be done. That was never really a question, even though I asked it. I KNOW it needs to be done.
But I’m scared. I’m not brave.
It was easier to hide behind the idea that I didn’t NEED to do it than it was to admit, freely, that I am just too damn scared. Because I am. I know with 100% certainty that this test needs to happen. But I’m paralyzed by the fear of it.
I’m scared. I’m not brave.
My first anatomy exam is a week from tomorrow. I have a study plan, I have things set up, ready to be studied, but as much as I try, I cannot remember half of what I need to know. Truly. I’m not just exaggerating when I tell you that I’m afraid I’m going to fail. I really believe it’s a possibility. And based on past class averages, it’s even more so.
And I’m scared. I’m not brave.
I look into my future and many days I’m more afraid than I am anything else. I’m afraid that my head will hurt forever and that some day that’ll become so normal that I won’t even care. I’m afraid that I won’t be successful at work or at home, or that I won’t be able to have kids.
All these fears are grounded in reality. They all come from some nugget of truth in my life. And that makes them even harder to deal with.
I am scared.
I am not brave.
I feel like I’ve put on a big facade and have fooled all of you. But please understand, it’s just that, a facade. I’m scared all of the time. I crumble into a pile of frustration daily, if not more often. I don’t handle my pain or stress as well as I’ve tried to make you believe. I’m not even half as strong as I make myself sound.
I’m weak.
I’m scared.
I’m sorry I’ve tried to make you think otherwise.
I’m not brave.
But I wish I was.
17 Responses to “Braveheart”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
I think you are brave & love you as you are.
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You are wrong. You ARE brave an d strong and saying you aren’t doesn’t change the evidence
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I think that putting that down in writing shows that you are brave. You are going to do fine, I know that is easier said than done, but really try to remember that you are strong. Give yourself the self talk that really CAN help! I know this, I was sooooo freaked out about A&P and when I let that fear overcome me, I did do bad on a test. But when I was really took a breath and told myself that I know I can do this? I passed. You will too, and if not? Try, try again. And your health? It’s perfectly normal to be scared and that is ok, it is no reflection on your strength. Hang in there Katie, and keep your head in the game.
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Well, of COURSE you’re afraid! You’re going through some very scary things. I don’t just mean the medical stuff, either – the idea of grad school scares the crap out of me! Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the ability to persevere day after day, which you do. You might complain and worry and be afraid, but you’re brave enough to get out of bed in the morning and face the day, as tough as it is. You’re someone to be admired, and I hope things turn around for you soon. Hang in there – there are a lot of people pulling for you, many of which don’t even know you personally!
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First, {{{{hugs}}}} (very gently).
If you weren’t afraid, I’d be worried about you. Of course, you’re afraid. This is scary stuff. And you’re trying to work through the fear and that’s good. My husband likes to quote AA Milne to me, frequently:
You’re braver that you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
All of those apply here. You’re a week out from your test, half is good. Keep plugging, you’ll get it, you’ll see.
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Katie,
I always think of this quote when I’m doing/feeling poorly: “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow” M.A. Radmacher You’re dealing with a crazy difficult disease but you have a great husband and great friends that will be there for you no matter what happens. Even if you don’t think so, you’re an amazing, brave woman and I thank you for sharing your story with those of us who deal with Chiari to show us that we’re not alone.
You’re in my thoughts and prayers,
~Jenny
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i think you are incredibly brave to get through the days with all that you having going on
i hope you get some relief soon
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What in the world makes you think that being brave means NOT being afraid? Being brave means moving forward despite your fear. Being brave means being honest about your vulnerability. Being brave means showing up. Period. It doesn’t mean that you laugh your way through heartache, pain, illness, disappointment, or even failure. It means you have the guts to try, to be able to prioritize and determine what is best for you, to attempt things and risk failing. The only real failure would be if you gave up trying. Success is subjective. Different people have different definitions of what success is. For me, success is doing the best you can under the circumstances, whatever they may be.
Right now it sounds like the only thing you’re really failing at is believing in yourself and recognizing that perhaps the definition of failure you hold on to needs to be redefined.
I think you’re trying to live up to impossible standards. Instead of focusing on what you have accomplished each day, you focus on what you can’t do. Or what you perceive you can’t do.
The only thing you’re really lying about is what you tell yourself you aren’t…because you neglect to recognize what you are.
Katie, being sick and tired for so long can break a spirit. I get that, and you know that I do. And maybe it takes too much energy to bolster yourself up or give yourself a pep talk. I get that, too.
So if you do nothing else, at least trust what we are saying to you. Collectively, we have a lot of respect for who you are…not what you do.
It’s funny to me that you will trust the people who write you and bash you, delete you, tell you that you are horrible. They are so few, yet their voices resonate so clearly in your head and heart.
How about listening to us?
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You were brave to write that post Katie. I too suffer from anxiety every day. I don’t know when that started but I am always scared.
And honestly, you may hid your fear in your writing but like I said in my email, you are brave. You are brave to move to a new city and start school again. You are brave as HELL to ride on public transportation. You are doing all of this while you are in incredible pain. There are so many people that would have just given up by now but you haven’t. Even if you are scared, you are still living your life the best you can. That takes bravery girl!
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” ~Ambrose Redmoon
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There is a certain bravery in admitting that you are afraid. It is difficult to admit that you are human and vulnerable, and you are brave enough to do that. Being scared doesn’t mean you aren’t brave – it just means you are a woman with some scary things ahead of her. Being able to admit, “This is bigger than I am, and I’m scare of it,” does not detract from your bravery in the slightest.
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Let us be brave for you, let us lift you up and hold you in our arms as we offer our strength and faith in you. Let us be the place you come to with your fears… it is a safe place and we won’t let you down.
p.s. I’ve never know a braver woman in my life.
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one of the most important things when faced with all the health crap you’re faced with … is talking yourself brave.
you’re not lying to us or anyone else. you’re psyching yourself up to do the things you need to do.
if you’ve never read n. scott momaday’s “man made of words” you might give it a go. it’s short and really really good.
you are brave – maybe not as brave as you want to be. but it takes a hell of a lot to do what needs to be done despite our fear and uncertainties. don’t forget that.
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Teammate here. nuff said.
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Katie
I was at my first chronic illness support group meeting this afternoon. Got to telling the women I was sitting next to about Chronic Babe, and then about you, since you were the one who introduced me to it.
To the best of my ability, I explained your condition. I told them I thought you were an amazing, strong person, and (not shitting you) incredibly brave.
I came home and saw this post in my reader (i suck at keeping up).
It made me cry.
Cause I know how you feel. Cause I wish I didn’t.
And most of all, cause I wish you didn’t feel like this.
Take care,
Kate
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Just the fact that you are blogging is a form of bravery ~ u have a good dose of bravery in there ~ true story!
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I think you’re very brave. Being scared isn’t equal to not being brave. Being brave is about getting up, facing the day, and making the most of it even though scary things are happing in your life.
You’re definitely brave.
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“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”
-Ambrose Redmoon
You can be scared, it doesn’t mean you’re not brave. Because you ARE brave, even if you don’t feel like.
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