Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying
I know I kind of left you all hanging after the MRIs and it happened for a number of reasons.
I came home from the MRIs and immediately jumped into host mode and made a full Rosh Hashanah dinner for Slappy and his family. It was infinitely better than I imagined and his mother was not just gracious, she was wonderful. I’m still a little shocked.
And then I laid in bed all day Saturday, studying and relaxing. And of course, hurting. It’s what I do best these days. And today, I had bookclub in the afternoon and then came home to do work. I’ve gotten very little work done, which I think is a combination of being burnt out and of course, this headache.
And to be honest, I’m just tired of it all. I don’t even know what I should be hoping for at this point.
I mean, if the MRI shows something, then crap, because virtually nothing that can show up on the MRI won’t require some serious intervention. And by serious intervention, I mean brain surgery. And yes, it would be great if we could fix something, but fixing something means I’m going to have to go on the “flex” plan at school, which is a fancy way of saying that it’ll take me 4 effing years to finish instead of 3. If I don’t end up dropping out altogether.
On the other hand, if nothing shows up, then what do we have? Pain and more tests. PAIN and MORE TESTS.
There is no win here.
This is a lose/lose situation and it makes me want to crawl under the covers and never re-emerge. It makes me want to quit everything. It makes me want to scream.
I just don’t even know what to wish for anymore.
8 Responses to “Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
I wish I had all the right things to say here. Just know I’m in your corner, pretty lady. xo
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{{{{{hugs}}}}}
I totally get this. When we were finding out what was going on with my daughter (also Katie), I realized fairly quickly in that there was no actual up side.
I hate it when life is like that and I’m sorry that yours is.
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Just imagine how fast 4 pain-free years would fly by, in comparison. I wish nothing less then a permanent fix that leaves you happy, healthy and free of pain! *hugs*!
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There is nothing I am praying for harder, at the moment, than to see you alive, healthy and free from pain.
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I don’t usually post here; I’m more of a lurker. I really, really hope that you’re able to find a resolution for this terrible pain that you’ve been experiencing.
I wish there was something I could do that would help you. {{hugs}}
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Crap–I just lost my comment to cyberspace. So I’m paraphrasing and in case it shows up, this will be a summary of the cyberspace one. Romans 8:29 in the Bible says that all things work together toward good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I’m hoping you and my daughter…well, I’m old enough to be your mother, so I will change that to daughters as it takes a village to raise a child and I’ve signed on to be a part of your village and see you through this…will have your happy ending free of pain and SOON. I can only witness the hopelessness of what my daughter goes through and I read that in your posts. I’m glad you have your blog as an outlet. We are both going to live to celebrate when you reach the end of this painful journey. You are in my daily prayers, Katie. Hang in there and keep on keepin on as best as you can and be good to you.
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Make that Romans 8:28…I knew I’d screw something up on the repeat reply…
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Of course there’s an upside. The upside is that you will be pain free, living a life without headaches (and I hate to call what you have a headache because it soooo doesn’t come close to describing the pain you’re in!)
You might have to go through stuff to get from where you are now to where you want to be, but you can do it. Oh, I get that you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired…and that you feel you’ve been through so much already and are not looking forward to going through anything else. But, you’re a fighter, Katie. And you will do whatever it takes to get this pain behind you and move on with your life.
And a wonderful life it will be.
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