Regrets
I read a post on Casey’s blog last night and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. She asked her readers what their defining life moments were and whether they’d un-do or do them over again.
I was really surprised to see how many people responded, emphatically, that they would not un-do even the bad stuff because it made them the person they are today.
I was in the minority. There are several defining moments in my life that I’d do over in an instant if given the chance. I don’t think that some of the terrible, but defining, moments of my life made me who I am, on the contrary, I think they kept me from who I was really meant to be. The one that jumps into my head over and over is dating that boy in college. That boy who defiled me.
In March, I wrote about what he did to me and my story was posted, semi-anonymously, on Violence Unsilenced. It was the first time I’d told anyone my story, even my husband. Since March, it’s been hanging out on the internet, and it has felt to me, lately, like an elephant on this blog. It’s something that I know is out there, on the internet, and it’s like I’m pretending it doesn’t exist.
It’s not pretty. But I write about me, and this event, a defining one that I would take back in a heartbeat, is part of me. And today I’m sharing it with you (hey mom: please don’t click that link. Please.)
Read it if you wish, don’t if you don’t. I can’t un-do this event, I can’t make it not be a part of my past, but I can stop pretending like it didn’t happen. I can stop denying a part of my history. I can embrace how much I’ve grown since then.
Be gentle tonight, because it’s harder for me to hit publish on this post than you’ll ever know.
32 Responses to “Regrets”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 27 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to falling over in public to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
There are also many moments in my life I’d change or do differently if given the chance. I think a lot of people like to think even the bad shit leads to better things but that’s not true for everything… Yes, you can certainly find the good that’s come of bad events, but never having experienced those shitty times would be even better.
Kudos to you for being brave.
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You’re brave, strong and remarkable. Today. When it counts.
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Ditto. Kudos for being so brave
I agree with both sides, as much as I know that the things that I have gone through make me who I am today … there are some I wish I could change.
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I just wanted to say: Me too. A very similar story.
And while I still wouldn’t take it back, necessarily (I met my current boyfriend who I am planning to marry as a result of this event) I have days when it’s still too much to bear.
You’re so brave. And very strong.
(I also didn’t email mine back when I got an apology email. There was nothing I was interested in hearing from him or saying to him.)
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You have cemented yourself as my new favorite. You’re amazing.
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reaching out to hold your hand… I wish this didn’t happen to you or anyone. xoxo
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You’re an incredible woman. No matter how you feel on any give day, I hope you can see yourself as such.
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You will be amazed by the strength that comes from speaking out. It is from words that you can not only make a difference in other people’s lives, but your own.
There are things I would change in my life if I had the chance. I made misjudgments that I don’t feel define me at all. Who I am today is not based on those instances. I would as soon erase them from my past and move forward the same woman I am today.
You are a gift.
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I posted on Moosh’s blog last night. I was one of those people that said I wouldn’t change things. Maybe I should have added a disclaimer. I wouldn’t change ALMOST everything. I had a few sketchy events that I’d like to erase. And, I say sketchy because I was too drunk to know what happened. I’d like to erase that in a heartbeat. I still don’t even know what I’d be erasing, but I’m not sure it was good.
You are brave, courageous, and strong. You are a survivor and I am deeply sorry that this happened to you.
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Thank you for not forgiving that asshole.
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Know how many people find strength in your bravery. Even if you decide to delete this post, every step brings you closer to healing.
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I can’t imagine having gone through something like this and not wanting to un-do it. You are the definition of brave by telling your story.
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All this time you have been telling yourself that you were keeping quiet. But the truth is, Katie, on that night, that last night when you screamed and the subsequent times he tried to get back with you or ask for forgiveness, you found your voice. And it keeps getting stronger and stronger and stronger.
And quite clear.
He may have been a persecutor and a vile human being. But you are no victim, Lady. You are a strong voice that will never allow circumstance or another person’s unacceptable behavior to silence you ever again.
Cause–to say it in your own writing style–you’re strong like that!
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Katie, I have been reading for a while, but never commented until tonight’s very moving post. Wow. Telling your story is so powerful to so many people. You have inspired me to share mine which has remained untold. Thank you for sharing. You are such a strong incredible woman in so many ways.
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Haven’t clicked on the link.
Yet.
I’ll wait for your permission.
Love you.
TR
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Katie, it takes an incredible amount of bravery to write about this stuff. You are very strong to be able to share it. It’s amazing how words written here online have so much power.
There are several defining moments in my life. One I would change in a heartbeat. Nothing good came of it. It changed who I am and how I relate to people, and not for the better.
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Katie, you are amazing in so many ways! And considering the fact I don’t know you outside the confines of my computer monitor, I think that really says someone. (Anyone who is loved enough to have cake delivered is A.O.K. in my books! The term ‘hero’ may also be used, depending on the cake/icing flavor combo)
I’m with you on the whole ‘person I could have been’ theory. If I had grown up being told I wasn’t worthless… oh the things I could’ve been/done. Sometimes things happen and, ya, they make us who we are but- man oh man- does it take a lot of work and time to get there.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Thank you for sharing and I commend you for your courage. You rock!!
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Very brave post. You rock. Keep remembering that.
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i cannot imagine the courage it took to post this.
i hope you can find some solace and some peace from speaking out. Thank you for sharing.
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You have such amazing courage. Maybe one day, we will all be as brave. Maybe one day we won’t have to.
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What I have to say is what the ladies above me had to say. You are a strong lady, you are getting through this. You didn’t deserve it to happen to you, no one does. I probably wouldn’t have/or ever forgive someone either….
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We’ve talked about this..you know how I feel…but everyone else should be able to read how much I love & admire you. (In a friend way. Don’t you worry Dr. Slappy.)
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No words, just hugs.
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Good for you for being so brave! I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
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Mine hasn’t ever emailed me about it, but if he did, I wouldn’t respond either.
You’re extremely brave to write about this.
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This post is being featured on Five Star Friday -
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/08/five-star-fridays-edition-65.html
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I too have defining moments that I most certainly would do without.. Moments that I fight against allowing to define me.
Good for you to speak out and also fighting to not let those define you.
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I’m sorry, I can’t click that link, though I am sure it’s an incredible post. I just submitted a story to the same blog, though, and that may give you some insight as to WHY I can’t read it just now.
I frequently SAY I’d never change a thing in my life, but that’s probably bullshit.
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Katie:
Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine how difficult that situation must have been and still is.
I appreciate you publishing this post
~Amanda
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Katie ~
I can’t add any different way to say what has already been said. I’m in agreement with them all. You rock, Girl!
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I think the people that say they wouldn’t change anything are the people that have never had anything truly bad happen. I don’t say that in a “my life is worse than yours” kind of way, because the worst thing to happen to someone is still the worst thing that’s ever happened to that person. But to have something taken from you, like what happened to you, or to lose a spouse or child, or to get in a car accident and take another life…those are defining moments that NO ONE wants.
I wish we could all look back and not want to change a thing…but unfortunately, not all of us are that lucky.
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I’m so proud of you.
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