I just finished reading the greatest news article ever and while arguments could be made for me spending this Friday night prior to the GRE studying, I read in a Kaplan book today that I should not study the day before and I will do everything Kaplan says. They probably also suggest beginning the studying more than a week before the exam, but let’s not split hairs.
So this article is about naming your kids
stupid odd things, which, you may or may not know, is something I’ve written about before, and yet, people continue to name their kids stupid unusual things, so here we are again. I’d like to dissect this article some. You know, just for shits and giggles. Which is also incidentally the first name on our baby name list.
“Indiana Elizabeth Jones shared her story with the iReport community, and we spoke with her mother, Jennifer Jones. The Port Deposit, Maryland, resident says Indiana got her name simply because her husband’s family is from that state.”
First, bullshit. We all know that it was no accident that you named your kid Indiana Jones. But what I have to know is, did NONE of your friends flick you in the forehead and remind you that naming your daughter after an action movie is perhaps, oh, I don’t know,
stupid unusual really stupid?
Incidentally, Slappy and I have decided that we’re going to name our kids Northridge and Fresno. What? It’s where our families are from.
“As for Dow Joseph Jones, there was serious talk of naming him Jack Ryan Jones, to keep the Harrison Ford theme. (Jack Ryan is the character Ford played in a series of action movies.) Instead, her husband named their son Dow on a dare while Jennifer was asleep in the hospital bed after giving birth.”
Okay, this is admittedly pretty damn funny. Except where were the doctors and nurses? And how on earth did a man get to name his child while the mother was sleeping? And did no one processing the birth certificate go, “Dow Jones? Maybe I should check with his mother.” Though having now been through the process of trying to deal with a typo on the marriage certificate I can imagine that, well, no one gave a crap. Kathnyn McSlapperson could attest to that.
Props to you, Mr. Jones, because you have got quite a pair.
“CNN.com asked users to share their unusual names after a 9-year-old New Zealand girl named Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii won the right to change her name.”
You laughed and you know it. That is what I am naming my daughter. Or maybe Mango does the Tango from Argentina. Or Yolka does the Polka from Slovakia. Or Ling does the Swing from the West Coast.
(In reference to an interviewee named Open Weaver Banks) “Open is an unusual name, but it’s not necessarily a name that one might expect to cause regular difficulties. Weaver Banks, however, says that she often has problems with it.”
I’m sorry, but I definitely read it as Beaver Wanks. I can only imagine what high school kids probably did with that.
“Even celebrities aren’t immune to the use of unusual names. Take boxer George Foreman’s children, all named George. (Or actor Jason Lee’s son, Pilot Inspektor, or comedian Penn Jillette’s daughter, Moxie CrimeFighter.) These are just-plain bizarre names, like that of iReporter Holden Holden.”
I’d like to translate this paragraph into normal people english. “Even celebrities aren’t immune to being
stupid unusual. Take boxer George Foreman’s children, which, in a huge statement to his narcissism, are all named George. (Or actor Jason Lee’s permanently damaged son, Pilot Inspektor (really? You couldn’t even spell inspector right?) or commedian Penn Jillette’s daughter, Moxie CrimeFighter, on which he took out a lifetime worth of frustration for his own first name of Ballpoint, I mean Penn.) These are just plain bizarre names, like that of some poor sap right of a bad J.D. Sallinger related acid drop, Holden Holden.”
“As for Dow Jones’ mother, she didn’t go through with changing his name. Now she sees it as something unique for someone with the very common last name “Jones.” And perhaps that’s the bright side to having an unusual name: It sets you apart from the crowd.”
Again, I empathize with how much work it is to change a name. You know, all the effort of standing in lines and filling out papers. Like the divorce ones I’ve have drawn up if my husband ever waited until I was asleep after pushing a child out of my nethers and named my kid after a stock exchange.
What’s really great is that I’m in a position to do this to my children. My new last name has great potential for screwing my kids up, and yet, I’m thinking I might go a different direction. That and I feel like I have enough people in my life who would stop me if I wanted to name my kids something strange.
I’m sure if I called any of you and said, I think I’m going to name my kid Foghorn, it goes so nicely with our last name Leghorn, you’d go, hey Mrs. Leghorn, that’s
stupid fucked up. And you would be RIGHT.
To Mr. and Mrs. Jones, I sincerely wish you better family and friends in the future. And lots and lots of therapy for your children. The next of which will probably be named Davy. Or maybe you’ll cut to the chase and just go with Attention Whore.