Oh internets, I am going to level with you and then seek your help.
Things are not good. The insomnia has become one of 2 constants in my life. The other being a headache. I freaking hate that I just typed that. I hate it. I’m so angry, I cannot begin to explain it.
I woke up yesterday morning with a start. With a horrendously sharp head pain. For the first time in my whole life, I JUMPED out of bed, rather than lounging and willing my body to move, but only because I had to do something to physically remove myself from the pain in my head.
I really am sort of beside myself. I can keep on going, pretending like there’s nothing wrong, but something has to be wrong. It has to be because we fixed this. It was repaired and it is broken again. This pain is familiar. It’s not the same, but it is similar. It is constant, but with moments of fierce surging wherein I feel like someone is stabbing me right through the back and sides of my head. It runs up the back of my head, some days spilling over into the sides. I do not know what to do.
I have taken all the Aleve that I’m responsibly able to, and some days more than that. I’m piggybacking it with Tylenol at levels that make my kidneys cry. I don’t want to take opiates, it was a threat, but not one I intended to make good on. I need to maintain sanity right now and opiates are not the way to go there.
I have made an appointment with the neurologist, the newer one, she who stabbed me with many needles (that’s her Native American name). Her earliest available appointment, not at all paying attention to time of day (because I’m willing to take half a day off work if my head will just. stop. hurting.) is September 9th. How horrible is it that I’m wondering if I can make it to September 9th? It’s horrible. My other neurologist from before the surgery (he who prescribes any drug I could imagine), didn’t have an appointment until the week AFTER the other appointment. Hi New Orleans, could you please stop having jacked up brains? I needs my doctors.
In a desperate plea for anything that might work I’m going to an allergist next week. Because I’m hoping beyond hope that he’ll go, hey, you know what, you have this random allergy that is making your life hell and if you stop eating x, y, and/or z, it’ll all go away. And I will stop eating x, y, and/or z, even if they are water, bread and cake. Yep. You heard it. I said it.
I know you’re probably thinking that this is a gross overstatement from the queen of gross overstatements, but it’s not. It is that bad. It is so bad sometimes that I consider going to an emergency room, except that I know exactly what will happen because I’ve done it before. They’ll offer me narcotics and tell me to follow up with a neurologist. They might give me a referral to get an MRI done, but no one will read it until I see the neurologist. And yes, narcotics seem like a way to go and yes, I have Tramadol in my dresser and a prescription for Vicodin that probably expired, but I really cannot bring myself to take them. This is not a statement about how bad the pain is, it’s a statement about how much those drugs fuck me up. I know it’s ridiculous to say that I’ll do anything and then tell you I won’t, but I guess I’m just ridiculous right now. I cannot for the life of me imagine why.
So I don’t know what I expect to get out of this, but help me internets. Advice, ideas, diagnoses, ANYTHING. Ask questions, suggest remedies, I’ll try just about anything.
Just make it stop.